


Buddy's Math JokesA pizza with the radius z and thickness a has the volume pi*z*z*a An Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the forth can order, the bartender says, 'Fuck all of you', and pours two beers. Celebrating brithdays is good for you. Statistically, those who celebrate the most birthdays live longest. Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine. Q. What is a proof? A. Onehalf percent of alcohol. The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Q. What do you get when you cross a bear with a tree? A. (bear)(tree)(sin(theta)) Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start gettinging a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodleing. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it. The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd  he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?" "Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position." Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding: "Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!" Q. What did the zero say to the number eight? A. Nice belt! At Heathrow Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious alGebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. Physics professor is walking across campus, runs into Math Professor. Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data, and asks the Math professor to look at it. A week later, they meet again, and the Math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he askes the Math professor to look again. Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Math professor tells the Physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive." Question: Why is this a mathematical limerick? ( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 81 + 0 . Answer: A dozen, a gross, and a score, Here's a calculus limerick: Integral zsquared dz Q. If 2's a couple and 3's a crowd, what is 4 and 5? A. nine! A logician at Safeway. "Paper or plastic?" "Not 'not paper and not plastic'!" When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband: My dearest wife,When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads: My beloved husband, "Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it." "That's easy: one, one, and twelve." "But twelve isn't odd!" "It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..." A thorough software professional is one who when his wife yells at him "goto hell", worries more about the goto. A child programmer's song (to the tune of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall") 100 Buckets of bits on the bus, 100 buckets of bits. Take one down, short it to ground, FF buckets of bits on the bus. common Unix commands:
Every new scientist must learn early that it is never good taste to designate the sum of two quantities in the form: 1 + 1 = 2 (1) Anyone who has made a study of advanced mathematics is aware that: 1 = ln e 1 = sin^2 x + cos^2 x inf 2 = sum 1/2^n n=0 Therefore eq. (1) can be expressed more scientifically as: inf ln e + sin^2 x + cos^2 x = sum 1/2^n (2) n=0 This may be further simplified by use of the relations: 1 = cosh y sqrt(1  tanh^2 y) e = lim (1+1/z)^z z> inf Equation (2) may therefore be rewritten as: inf cosh y sqrt(1  tanh^2 y) ln[ lim (1+1/z)^z ] + sin^2 x + cos^2 x = SUM ____________________________ z> inf n=0 2^n (3) At this point it should be obvious that eq. (3) is much clearer and more easily understood than eq. (1). Other methods of a similar nature could be used to clarify eq. (1), but these are easily divined once the reader grasps the underlying principles. Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the maths department  all they need is money for pencils, paper and wastepaper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." In some foreign country, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The physicist puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. "Aha," the physicist says, "KE = 1/2 mv**2 ; v=0 so all is well." He declares that he can't be executed twice for the same crime so he is set free. The mathematician is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He exclaims "the events are equally likely, so P(E)=1/2 and all is well." Likewise he cannot be executed twice for the same crime and is set free. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem....." This story should have a happy ending. Here it is... The executioner turns out to be a Biometrician doing a field experiment using the guillotine. He declares, "Sorry, I can't change the plot settings right now or the experiment will be invalid." He then pulls the rope with the same result and the engineer is also set free. Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably.. Q. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule." Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber? A. You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!" The Evolution Of The Maths Problem
Check out this site for funny math comics! How mathematicians do it...
Mathematics Revisited
How to catch a lion:  THE HILBERT METHOD. Place a locked cage in the desert. Set up the following axiomatic system. (i) The set of lions is nonempty (ii) If there is a lion in the desert, then there is a lion in the cage. Theorem. There is a lion in the cage  THE PEANO METHOD. There is a spacefilling curve passing through every point of the desert. Such a curve may be traversed in as short a time as we please. Armed with a spear, traverse the curve faster than the lion can move his own length.  THE TOPOLOGICAL METHOD. The lion has a least the connectivity of a torus. Transport the desert into 4space. It can now be deformed in such a way as to knot the lion. He is now helpless.  THE SURGERGY METHOD. The lion is an orientable 3manifold with boundary and so may be rendered contractible by surgery.  THE UNIVERSAL COVERING METHOD. Cover the lion by his simplyconnected covering space. Since this has no holes, he is trapped.  THE GAME THEORY METHOD. The lion is a big game, hence certainly a game. There exists an optimal strategy. Follow it.  THE SCHROEDINGER METHOD. At any instant there is a nonzero probability that the lion is in the cage. Wait.  THE ERASTOSHENIAN METHOD. Enumerate all objects in the desert: examine them one by one; discard all those that are not lions. A refinement will capture only prime lions.  THE PROJECTIVE GEOMETRY METHOD. The desert is a plane. Project this to a line, then project the line to a point inside the cage. The lion goes to the same point.  THE INVERSION METHOD. Take a cylindrical cage. First case: the lion is in the cage: Trivial. Second case: the lion is outside the cage. Go inside the cage. Invert at the boundary of the cage. The lion is caught. Caution: Don't stand in the middle of the cage during the inversion! So there's a bunch of functions hanging out in function bar. They're all talking when in walks e^x. He orders a beer, sits down and starts drinking. Shortly thereafter in rushes a little x^2 function and exclaims "The Derivative Operators are coming! The Derivative Operators are coming!". All the functions in the bar start looking around nervously and some start to leave. All except for e^x who just sits there an continues drinking his beer. The x^2 function goes up to him and says "Didn't you hear me? The Derivative Operators are coming!". e^x says "Yeah, but I'm e^x". Two minutes later the Derivative Operators enter the bar and the head Derivative Operator says "I'm d/dy", e^x says "Ahh $hit.." Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir  dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. here's a math joke from Gemma! "Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?" Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side! So this girl in high school is not doing very well in math class. Her mother hears that this Catholic school has an excellent math program so switches her daughter to the Catholic school. It has an amazing effect! Every day after school her daughter studies math and does her homework. After recieving her finaly grade of an A+ her mother is really impressed! So one day she asks her daughter "What made such a difference at the new school?" and the daughter replies "Well, when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign the first day I knew they meant business!" My dad actually made this one up: Q: What do spiders and computer geeks have in common? A: They're both web masters! Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because OCT 31 == DEC 25 ! Q: What's the square root of 69? A: Eight something!  "Have you heard about the objectoriented way to become wealthy?"  "No..."  "Inheritance." Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components. Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it. Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. Several years of this relentless, mindnumbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL". In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to. Q. Why are all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? A. Because it is below C level. Q. Have you heared they are developing an Object Oriented version of COBOL? A. It's called "ADD 1 TO COBOL" All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds. Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi 10) e is easier to spell than pi. 9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~=2.718281828459045. 8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't. 7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie. 6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1. 5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry. 4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune. 3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat. 2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e. 1) You can't confuse e with a food product. Top ten reasons why e is inferior to pi 10) e is less challenging to spell than pi. 9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized. 8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But is special (it's under "special symbols" in word processor programs.) 7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie. 6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder. 5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in precalculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is. 4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only . 3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself. 2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number". 1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler. One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test." The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire." The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire." The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?" The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved." The Dictionary: what mathematics professors say and what they mean by it
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!" An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!" To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!" The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black." A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photosafari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!" A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologists: "They have reproduced". The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again." A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologists: "They have reproduced". The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again." So after the floods start to receed, Noah drops all the animals off onto the emerging land. Then he decides to take a nice vacation all by himself. When he comes back a few months later all the animals have multiplied and are living happily. All the animals except the snakes that is. When Noah asks the snakes why they haven't flourished they tell him to cut down some trees for them. Not understanding why, he does so and then takes another vacation. After Noah's second vacation he comes back and finds the snakes have reproduced too. He asks them what was different and they reply, "We're adders, we need logs to multiply!" Some Mathie pickup lines:
Interesting Theorem: All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest noninteresting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction. Cat Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. Salary Theorem The less you know, the more you make. Proof: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money . Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done. Q: How many mathematical logicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?? A: None: They can't do it, but they can prove that it can be done. Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE Motto of the society: Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving Q: What's a polar bear? A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. A physicist and an engineer are in a hotair balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." They physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless." Theorem: 1=2 Proof: 1.let A=1 2.let B=A 3.multiply both sides of (2.) by A, you get AB=A2 4.subtract B2 from both sides, you get ABB2=A2B2 5.factor left and right hand sides, you get B(AB)=(AB)(A+B) 6.divide both sides by (AB), you get B=A+B 7.plug A=1 and B=A into (6.), you get 1=2 Q.E.D. Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A: He works it out with a pencil. One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.' Note: A lot of these jokes were borrowed from the following places: so go there for even more! 